Morning Mindset

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As part of my treatment plan, I will be journaling in the morning about the appointments I’ll have later in the day. This will help me recognize the rate of my successes and maybe even set backs. I will include poetry that comes to mind regarding those feelings.

Morning Mindset #1

Today will be the 2nd session I have with my counselor. I’m nervous about it. I’m nervous cause I’m not sure what will come out of me depending on which instance of trauma I speak about. Every experience is hard but some harder than others. Such as the experience of my rape and that of the severe abuse I went through with my ex. The domestic abuse is always more difficult. Why? Because the person that hurt me, financially, emotionally, mentally, and sexually, told me they loved me. There was confusion in that. But I’m slowly beginning to understand the dynamics of what happened and the reasons why I stayed as long as I did. The unknowing of every session I presume to be difficult, at least for the time being. I can’t rush through this. As much as my mind wants to think of being cured in 6 months. I do have to be realistic that there is no cure. But through therapy I can find tools to make my life more livable, where hypervigilance and having to fight with my mind don’t affect every single second of my life and even dreams. The last session exhausted me to the point that a few hours later my legs felt like rubber, I couldn’t stand on them, and my mind felt so heavy. I learned from that, that I should not have anything scheduled for later in the day or the next day after. My mom used to tell me, “You got this.” I know mama, I do have this.

Sleep:

I woke up at 4:25 am this morning, but I did get about 8 hours of sleep. I only woke up once during the night to use the bathroom. Was able to go back to sleep quickly. Don’t recall any nightmares.

How do you feel this morning?

I woke feeling a little irritable and my mind felt rushed. I was annoyed with myself cause my body and hands couldn’t keep pace with how rapid my mind was moving. I do believe I am swinging up into mania, but I’m rapid cycling up and down. Thankfully I got as much sleep as I did last night. It started a few days ago and shows no signs of slowing at this point. I should keep caffeine to a minimum. That’s kind of laughable though. But I should try. After several days of mania is when it starts to get hard. It becomes difficult to not fall back into my drug of choice, alcohol. I need to keep in mind that my sponsor is there for me to help as one of my tools. This morning I did work out a little bit. That helped my mind slow down a tad. Yoga and some weights.

Poem:

“88”

Chaos and irritability

Topics come, topics go

Hoping this mind slows

I see the past

Fear the future

I’ll start

At age 8

Hoping this therapy helps

get me to 88

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